Inanimate Objects Aren't

I've had a theory about small inanimate objects. The idea started
coming into clearer focus as I got more and more into woodworking
and small (relative to the Heavy Iron machines) inanimate objects
began proliferating in The Shop. I put a tool or some other
inanimate object down on a benchtop or shelf and when I go back to
get it minutes, hours or days later - it's gone. When I don't need
it, somehow it always manages to be in the way so I have to move
it. But when I reach for it seconds later it has vanished,
sometimes transported acrossed the shop and buried under other
"stuff".

Now we all know that anything that can roll will. Has something to
do with some guy named Newton. Why the inventor of the fig bar
causes things to roll is a mystery to me but it's his fault that
tools that can roll do. Anyway, anything with a cutting edge will,
too often to be a coincidence, jump off a flat horizontal surface
onto a concrete floor, almost always landing on the cutting edge
or, worse yet - on the corner of the cutting edge - sort of like a
cat landing on its feet or the jellied side of a piece of toast always
landing jelly side down. Not only will they jump - they'll hide once
they make it to the floor, usually under something heavy - AND -
next to, on top of, or under something that bites or scratches and
may or may not be venomous.

This is actually a corollary to the theorem that all inanimate
objects are very sensitive, insecure and have a self destructive
streak. If they feel they've been slighted, or ignored for too long,
they'll try to hurt themselves at the first opportunity. Two cast
iron planes, placed feet apart will, for no apparent reason,
inexplicably bang into each other, managing to chip off a piece of
one or both or bend something that's suppose to be straight.

Understanding the psychology of your inanimate objects is the
first step in getting them to cooperate with you and each other.
You can reduce their insecurity by giving them a nice home - each
a comfy place of its own - a place in a rack in a nice tool cabinet, a
fitted resting place in a dovetailed drawer, for the really sensitive
ones - a nice custom box, for carving tools - a snugly pocket in a
tool roll as they seem more content amongst others of their kind.
You will need to keep them separated or, like children in the back
seat of a car during a long trip, they'll go into "He's touching me/
I'm not touching him!" or jostling and rough housing mode.

Be warned however, once each has a home YOU MUST return each
to its respective residence. They can be very territorial and the
last thing you want is for a war to break out In a wall cabinet full
of sharp things.

Spend some quality time with each of them and make sure you're
generous with compliments. "Now this is a wonderful tool - nice to
look at, just the right feel in hand and it does its job better than
any other tool in the shop!" "You're a joy to use!" With mortising
chisels you should avoid terms like "pretty" or "beautiful". Try
"Now this is a beefy SOB, a REAL chisel." With small paring chisels
and japanese dovetail saws say things like "What an elegant tool,
so delicate yet so effective." Or "DEADBLOW - a perfect name for
a perfect tool!" When you get visitors to the shop brag about
them a little, the tools, not the visitor.

NEVER get angry at a tool or cuss at it or call it names - unless
the name is an affectionate one. If a tool misbehaves it's usually
because of something stupid YOU did. Cutting tools WILL think
that any blood loss or stitches are THEIR fault and that can lead to
depression. Depressed tools don't work very well. If you get
injured by a tool make sure the tool knows It was due to your
carelessness or poor technique.

Start each day in the shop with a pleasant greeting "What a
glorious day we're going to have." Visit with each one during the
day, if only for a moment, and things will go a lot better. At the
end of the day thank them and affirm their worth before turning
off the lights.

And if you can, get some Camelia Oil. Edged tools LOVE Camelia Oil.

charlie b

There is a word for what you are describing.
resistentialism (ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun
The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile
behavior against us.
http://www.wordsmith.org/words/resistentialism.html

Art

"charlie b" wrote in message
...
Inanimate Objects Aren't

I've had a theory about small inanimate objects. The idea started
coming into clearer focus as I got more and more into woodworking
and small (relative to the Heavy Iron machines) inanimate objects
began proliferating in The Shop. I put a tool or some other
inanimate object down on a benchtop or shelf and when I go back to
get it minutes, hours or days later - it's gone. When I don't need
it, somehow it always manages to be in the way so I have to move
it. But when I reach for it seconds later it has vanished,
sometimes transported acrossed the shop and buried under other
"stuff".

Now we all know that anything that can roll will. Has something to
do with some guy named Newton. Why the inventor of the fig bar
causes things to roll is a mystery to me but it's his fault that
tools that can roll do. Anyway, anything with a cutting edge will,
too often to be a coincidence, jump off a flat horizontal surface
onto a concrete floor, almost always landing on the cutting edge
or, worse yet - on the corner of the cutting edge - sort of like a
cat landing on its feet or the jellied side of a piece of toast always
landing jelly side down. Not only will they jump - they'll hide once
they make it to the floor, usually under something heavy - AND -
next to, on top of, or under something that bites or scratches and
may or may not be venomous.

This is actually a corollary to the theorem that all inanimate
objects are very sensitive, insecure and have a self destructive
streak. If they feel they've been slighted, or ignored for too long,
they'll try to hurt themselves at the first opportunity. Two cast
iron planes, placed feet apart will, for no apparent reason,
inexplicably bang into each other, managing to chip off a piece of
one or both or bend something that's suppose to be straight.

Understanding the psychology of your inanimate objects is the
first step in getting them to cooperate with you and each other.
You can reduce their insecurity by giving them a nice home - each
a comfy place of its own - a place in a rack in a nice tool cabinet, a
fitted resting place in a dovetailed drawer, for the really sensitive
ones - a nice custom box, for carving tools - a snugly pocket in a
tool roll as they seem more content amongst others of their kind.
You will need to keep them separated or, like children in the back
seat of a car during a long trip, they'll go into "He's touching me/
I'm not touching him!" or jostling and rough housing mode.

Be warned however, once each has a home YOU MUST return each
to its respective residence. They can be very territorial and the
last thing you want is for a war to break out In a wall cabinet full
of sharp things.

Spend some quality time with each of them and make sure you're
generous with compliments. "Now this is a wonderful tool - nice to
look at, just the right feel in hand and it does its job better than
any other tool in the shop!" "You're a joy to use!" With mortising
chisels you should avoid terms like "pretty" or "beautiful". Try
"Now this is a beefy SOB, a REAL chisel." With small paring chisels
and japanese dovetail saws say things like "What an elegant tool,
so delicate yet so effective." Or "DEADBLOW - a perfect name for
a perfect tool!" When you get visitors to the shop brag about
them a little, the tools, not the visitor.

NEVER get angry at a tool or cuss at it or call it names - unless
the name is an affectionate one. If a tool misbehaves it's usually
because of something stupid YOU did. Cutting tools WILL think
that any blood loss or stitches are THEIR fault and that can lead to
depression. Depressed tools don't work very well. If you get
injured by a tool make sure the tool knows It was due to your
carelessness or poor technique.

Start each day in the shop with a pleasant greeting "What a
glorious day we're going to have." Visit with each one during the
day, if only for a moment, and things will go a lot better. At the
end of the day thank them and affirm their worth before turning
off the lights.

And if you can, get some Camelia Oil. Edged tools LOVE Camelia Oil.

charlie b

On Sat, 31 Jul 2004 20:52:39 GMT, "Wood Butcher" wrote:

There is a word for what you are describing.
resistentialism (ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun
The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile
behavior against us.
http://www.wordsmith.org/words/resistentialism.html

Art

How about inanimate organizations or behaviors?

e.g. That stock you sold yesterday because for the past 2 months it's been
going down $1, up 0.50, down $1.50, up $0.75, down $0.50, up $0.10 (you get
the idea) and you've reached the threshold where you don't want to lose any
more profits. The day after you sell, it's up $2.00, next day up $0.75,
then: down $0.25, up $1.25, down $0.40, up $0.50, etc -- behavior not seen
for the past 6 to 8 months.


.... or (and my wife thinks I'm paranoid for this, but I have multiple
examples of it happening):

On a two lane road with no opportunity to pass, you get behind someone
going 10 mph below speed limit, you follow for miles, and, with delight,
you note that the slow car is signalling to turn at the next intersection.
You'll be free to cruise the remaining miles of your trip. Except ... At
the same intersection, the slow car's replacement is waiting -- a gravel
truck who pulls out as the car ahead of you is slowing down to turn --
you're back to 10 mph below speed limit the rest of the way.

I've actually experienced an interesting variant of this twice in the
past month: In the first case, the replacement car pulled out in front of
the turning slow car, then proceeded down the road ahead of me at 10 mph or
more below speed limit. I reached my turn, turned off left to my road home
-- the car ahead of me who had been going so slow, then signalled to turn
right, pulled off into the gravel 100 yards beyond my turn, and made a
U-turn heading back the direction from which we had come. In the second
instance, I followed a car going way below speed limit all the way from my
turn off of the highway up to the turn to my road home; again, as I
signalled to turn left, 100 yards ahead of me, he turned off into the
gravel and headed back the direction we had come. Arrrgh!



"charlie b" wrote in message
...
Inanimate Objects Aren't

I've had a theory about small inanimate objects. The idea started
coming into clearer focus as I got more and more into woodworking
and small (relative to the Heavy Iron machines) inanimate objects
began proliferating in The Shop. I put a tool or some other
inanimate object down on a benchtop or shelf and when I go back to
get it minutes, hours or days later - it's gone. When I don't need
it, somehow it always manages to be in the way so I have to move
it. But when I reach for it seconds later it has vanished,
sometimes transported acrossed the shop and buried under other
"stuff".

Now we all know that anything that can roll will. Has something to
do with some guy named Newton. Why the inventor of the fig bar
causes things to roll is a mystery to me but it's his fault that
tools that can roll do. Anyway, anything with a cutting edge will,
too often to be a coincidence, jump off a flat horizontal surface
onto a concrete floor, almost always landing on the cutting edge
or, worse yet - on the corner of the cutting edge - sort of like a
cat landing on its feet or the jellied side of a piece of toast always
landing jelly side down. Not only will they jump - they'll hide once
they make it to the floor, usually under something heavy - AND -
next to, on top of, or under something that bites or scratches and
may or may not be venomous.

This is actually a corollary to the theorem that all inanimate
objects are very sensitive, insecure and have a self destructive
streak. If they feel they've been slighted, or ignored for too long,
they'll try to hurt themselves at the first opportunity. Two cast
iron planes, placed feet apart will, for no apparent reason,
inexplicably bang into each other, managing to chip off a piece of
one or both or bend something that's suppose to be straight.

Understanding the psychology of your inanimate objects is the
first step in getting them to cooperate with you and each other.
You can reduce their insecurity by giving them a nice home - each
a comfy place of its own - a place in a rack in a nice tool cabinet, a
fitted resting place in a dovetailed drawer, for the really sensitive
ones - a nice custom box, for carving tools - a snugly pocket in a
tool roll as they seem more content amongst others of their kind.
You will need to keep them separated or, like children in the back
seat of a car during a long trip, they'll go into "He's touching me/
I'm not touching him!" or jostling and rough housing mode.

Be warned however, once each has a home YOU MUST return each
to its respective residence. They can be very territorial and the
last thing you want is for a war to break out In a wall cabinet full
of sharp things.

Spend some quality time with each of them and make sure you're
generous with compliments. "Now this is a wonderful tool - nice to
look at, just the right feel in hand and it does its job better than
any other tool in the shop!" "You're a joy to use!" With mortising
chisels you should avoid terms like "pretty" or "beautiful". Try
"Now this is a beefy SOB, a REAL chisel." With small paring chisels
and japanese dovetail saws say things like "What an elegant tool,
so delicate yet so effective." Or "DEADBLOW - a perfect name for
a perfect tool!" When you get visitors to the shop brag about
them a little, the tools, not the visitor.

NEVER get angry at a tool or cuss at it or call it names - unless
the name is an affectionate one. If a tool misbehaves it's usually
because of something stupid YOU did. Cutting tools WILL think
that any blood loss or stitches are THEIR fault and that can lead to
depression. Depressed tools don't work very well. If you get
injured by a tool make sure the tool knows It was due to your
carelessness or poor technique.

Start each day in the shop with a pleasant greeting "What a
glorious day we're going to have." Visit with each one during the
day, if only for a moment, and things will go a lot better. At the
end of the day thank them and affirm their worth before turning
off the lights.

And if you can, get some Camelia Oil. Edged tools LOVE Camelia Oil.

charlie b

Mark & Juanita wrote:


On a two lane road with no opportunity to pass, you get behind someone
going 10 mph below speed limit, you follow for miles, and, with delight,
you note that the slow car is signalling to turn at the next intersection.
You'll be free to cruise the remaining miles of your trip. Except ... At
the same intersection, the slow car's replacement is waiting -- a gravel
truck who pulls out as the car ahead of you is slowing down to turn --
you're back to 10 mph below speed limit the rest of the way.

I've actually experienced an interesting variant of this twice in the
past month: In the first case, the replacement car pulled out in front of
the turning slow car, then proceeded down the road ahead of me at 10 mph or
more below speed limit. I reached my turn, turned off left to my road home
-- the car ahead of me who had been going so slow, then signalled to turn
right, pulled off into the gravel 100 yards beyond my turn, and made a
U-turn heading back the direction from which we had come. In the second
instance, I followed a car going way below speed limit all the way from my
turn off of the highway up to the turn to my road home; again, as I
signalled to turn left, 100 yards ahead of me, he turned off into the
gravel and headed back the direction we had come. Arrrgh!

How about the ones that you pass, then they pass you and slow down,
and then you have to pass them again? It's like dude, I've had cruise
set at 73 miles an hour for the past 6 hours - what's your DEAL?!

JP
**************************
Road Umbrage.








"charlie b" wrote in message
...
Inanimate Objects Aren't

I've had a theory about small inanimate objects. The idea started
coming into clearer focus as I got more and more into woodworking
and small (relative to the Heavy Iron machines) inanimate objects
began proliferating in The Shop. I put a tool or some other
inanimate object down on a benchtop or shelf and when I go back to
get it minutes, hours or days later - it's gone. When I don't need
it, somehow it always manages to be in the way so I have to move
it. But when I reach for it seconds later it has vanished,
sometimes transported acrossed the shop and buried under other
"stuff".

Now we all know that anything that can roll will. Has something to
do with some guy named Newton. Why the inventor of the fig bar
causes things to roll is a mystery to me but it's his fault that
tools that can roll do. Anyway, anything with a cutting edge will,
too often to be a coincidence, jump off a flat horizontal surface
onto a concrete floor, almost always landing on the cutting edge
or, worse yet - on the corner of the cutting edge - sort of like a
cat landing on its feet or the jellied side of a piece of toast always
landing jelly side down. Not only will they jump - they'll hide once
they make it to the floor, usually under something heavy - AND -
next to, on top of, or under something that bites or scratches and
may or may not be venomous.

This is actually a corollary to the theorem that all inanimate
objects are very sensitive, insecure and have a self destructive
streak. If they feel they've been slighted, or ignored for too long,
they'll try to hurt themselves at the first opportunity. Two cast
iron planes, placed feet apart will, for no apparent reason,
inexplicably bang into each other, managing to chip off a piece of
one or both or bend something that's suppose to be straight.

Understanding the psychology of your inanimate objects is the
first step in getting them to cooperate with you and each other.
You can reduce their insecurity by giving them a nice home - each
a comfy place of its own - a place in a rack in a nice tool cabinet, a
fitted resting place in a dovetailed drawer, for the really sensitive
ones - a nice custom box, for carving tools - a snugly pocket in a
tool roll as they seem more content amongst others of their kind.
You will need to keep them separated or, like children in the back
seat of a car during a long trip, they'll go into "He's touching me/
I'm not touching him!" or jostling and rough housing mode.

Be warned however, once each has a home YOU MUST return each
to its respective residence. They can be very territorial and the
last thing you want is for a war to break out In a wall cabinet full
of sharp things.

Spend some quality time with each of them and make sure you're
generous with compliments. "Now this is a wonderful tool - nice to
look at, just the right feel in hand and it does its job better than
any other tool in the shop!" "You're a joy to use!" With mortising
chisels you should avoid terms like "pretty" or "beautiful". Try
"Now this is a beefy SOB, a REAL chisel." With small paring chisels
and japanese dovetail saws say things like "What an elegant tool,
so delicate yet so effective." Or "DEADBLOW - a perfect name for
a perfect tool!" When you get visitors to the shop brag about
them a little, the tools, not the visitor.

NEVER get angry at a tool or cuss at it or call it names - unless
the name is an affectionate one. If a tool misbehaves it's usually
because of something stupid YOU did. Cutting tools WILL think
that any blood loss or stitches are THEIR fault and that can lead to
depression. Depressed tools don't work very well. If you get
injured by a tool make sure the tool knows It was due to your
carelessness or poor technique.

Start each day in the shop with a pleasant greeting "What a
glorious day we're going to have." Visit with each one during the
day, if only for a moment, and things will go a lot better. At the
end of the day thank them and affirm their worth before turning
off the lights.

And if you can, get some Camelia Oil. Edged tools LOVE Camelia Oil.

charlie b

"Wood Butcher" wrote:

There is a word for what you are describing.
resistentialism (ri-zis-TEN-shul-iz-um) noun
The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile
behavior against us.
http://www.wordsmith.org/words/resistentialism.html

I believe that makes Tom Robbins sort of a resistentialist. I just
bought a set of Hirsch firmer chisels from LV tonight, and I can't
wait to give them a nice home - and hone.

Great post.

JP

"charlie b" wrote in message
...
Inanimate Objects Aren't

I've had a theory about small inanimate objects. The idea started
coming into clearer focus as I got more and more into woodworking
and small (relative to the Heavy Iron machines) inanimate objects
began proliferating in The Shop. I put a tool or some other
inanimate object down on a benchtop or shelf and when I go back to
get it minutes, hours or days later - it's gone. When I don't need
it, somehow it always manages to be in the way so I have to move
it. But when I reach for it seconds later it has vanished,
sometimes transported acrossed the shop and buried under other
"stuff".

Now we all know that anything that can roll will. Has something to
do with some guy named Newton. Why the inventor of the fig bar
causes things to roll is a mystery to me but it's his fault that
tools that can roll do. Anyway, anything with a cutting edge will,
too often to be a coincidence, jump off a flat horizontal surface
onto a concrete floor, almost always landing on the cutting edge
or, worse yet - on the corner of the cutting edge - sort of like a
cat landing on its feet or the jellied side of a piece of toast always
landing jelly side down. Not only will they jump - they'll hide once
they make it to the floor, usually under something heavy - AND -
next to, on top of, or under something that bites or scratches and
may or may not be venomous.

This is actually a corollary to the theorem that all inanimate
objects are very sensitive, insecure and have a self destructive
streak. If they feel they've been slighted, or ignored for too long,
they'll try to hurt themselves at the first opportunity. Two cast
iron planes, placed feet apart will, for no apparent reason,
inexplicably bang into each other, managing to chip off a piece of
one or both or bend something that's suppose to be straight.

Understanding the psychology of your inanimate objects is the
first step in getting them to cooperate with you and each other.
You can reduce their insecurity by giving them a nice home - each
a comfy place of its own - a place in a rack in a nice tool cabinet, a
fitted resting place in a dovetailed drawer, for the really sensitive
ones - a nice custom box, for carving tools - a snugly pocket in a
tool roll as they seem more content amongst others of their kind.
You will need to keep them separated or, like children in the back
seat of a car during a long trip, they'll go into "He's touching me/
I'm not touching him!" or jostling and rough housing mode.

Be warned however, once each has a home YOU MUST return each
to its respective residence. They can be very territorial and the
last thing you want is for a war to break out In a wall cabinet full
of sharp things.

Spend some quality time with each of them and make sure you're
generous with compliments. "Now this is a wonderful tool - nice to
look at, just the right feel in hand and it does its job better than
any other tool in the shop!" "You're a joy to use!" With mortising
chisels you should avoid terms like "pretty" or "beautiful". Try
"Now this is a beefy SOB, a REAL chisel." With small paring chisels
and japanese dovetail saws say things like "What an elegant tool,
so delicate yet so effective." Or "DEADBLOW - a perfect name for
a perfect tool!" When you get visitors to the shop brag about
them a little, the tools, not the visitor.

NEVER get angry at a tool or cuss at it or call it names - unless
the name is an affectionate one. If a tool misbehaves it's usually
because of something stupid YOU did. Cutting tools WILL think
that any blood loss or stitches are THEIR fault and that can lead to
depression. Depressed tools don't work very well. If you get
injured by a tool make sure the tool knows It was due to your
carelessness or poor technique.

Start each day in the shop with a pleasant greeting "What a
glorious day we're going to have." Visit with each one during the
day, if only for a moment, and things will go a lot better. At the
end of the day thank them and affirm their worth before turning
off the lights.

And if you can, get some Camelia Oil. Edged tools LOVE Camelia Oil.

charlie b

"charlie b" wrote in message
...
Inanimate Objects Aren't

Terrific post snipped

Amen, brudda.

I have one of those chisels that is in dire need of a good shrink. No
matter where I put it on my work bench it will roll across the entire thing
and fall onto the concrete floor. I watched it once. I put it near the
back edge of my workbench. It managed to roll a full 24" across the bench
and fell onto the concrete floor - point first of course. And I had many
other round objects on the bench at the time that were perfectly happy to
stay by the sidelines and watch this chisel do it's thing. The handle is
tapered so it couldn't just roll like a cylinder. It had to roll in an arc,
bump into something else and turn around. Roll in another arc the other way
and bump into something else and turn around again. It was remarkable just
how hard this poor misguided chisel had to work to get off the bench. It
worked so hard that I didn't have the heart to stop it. The bench may have
a little tilt, but non of the other round objects seemed to mind.

Wayne