Okay, I can't think of a newsgroup crowd that's more likely than this one to
be able to answer this - I got varmints. Not sure if they're moles or
gophers but they're making a mess of the yard in our new place - 1 acre out
in the country, surrounded by 40 acres of orchard. Anybody have any tried
and true suggestions for killing these little *******s? I've tried the
sonic vibrators in the ground. I've tried flooding them out (water ran for
an hour and didn't come out anywhere so they must have a fricking metropolis
down there. I've tried multiple times the Giant Destroyer gas bombs where
you dig down to their hole, light it, stick it in and then cover it with
dirt. They just keep coming back and I'm afraid I'm gonna end up like Bill
Murray in Caddyshack. I figure all I really have to do is make my property
less welcoming than the orchard around us and they'll go out there but so
far nothing's working. Any suggestions?

Note - a former classmate suggested to me that the most humane way is to
spread dog hair around their holes. To be clear, I'm not looking for humane
ways of putting them in halfway houses and helping them get jobs. I want to
kill them. I want to kill their families. I want to kill people they met
once on the bus. I want to hit them so hard that their distant relatives
back east feel it. I want them gone. sob I just want my beautiful lawn
back!!