Last week I was cleaning up after lunch when I heard a noise in the family
room. Went in and heard something scraping around in the fireplace flue.
"Crap, a bird must have gotten in there." mutters I. As I'm looking in
through the glass doors of the fireplace insert, suddenly something big and
black jumps down from the smoke shelf and bangs into the glass, trying to
get out. Scares the crap out of me! Great, a very dirty squirrel.

After some observation and thought, while it kept climbing up inside and
scraping around, apparently trying to climb back up the chimney, I decide
that it ain't getting out itself, so I've got to capture it without letting
it escape into the house. (I can just see myself explaining sooty animal
tracks all over the house.) I check that the insert doors are well closed,
and then head for Ace hardware, where I buy a "Havahart" cage trap. When I
get home, however, there is no sign of the squirrel. I bang on the metal,
open and close the damper, but get no response. I decide that it must have
been able to climb out itself, although I have trouble believing that such a
feat is possible. I pack up the unused cage trap with the receipt, so that
I can return it.

That evening, my wife lights a fire, after we again bang all over the insert
and get no response from the squirrel. After about an hour, with a nice
fire now going in the fireplace, we suddenly hear the scratching again!
Crap, now we're cooking the little *******. Oh well, that's one way to fix
the problem.

The next morning, as I'm sitting in my chair reading the paper, suddenly the
squirrel reappears inside the insert, now cooled down. This time he's
really desperate to get out. He's quite agitated, and spends most of his
time scratching at the glass. Eventually he disappears up inside somewhere
again. I bait the cage trap with some peanut butter, set it, close off most
of the rest of the house in case he gets free when I open the insert door,
put on some gloves, and very carefully open the door and maneuver the trap
inside the fireplace. As I'm just about to lower it into place, suddenly
something reaches out and grabs my glove. I drop the trap and slam the door
shut. Of course the trap drops and trips itself. The squirrel goes
berserk, apparently from the aroma of the peanut butter. It runs around
inside the fireplace trying desperately to get inside the now closed trap to
get at the bait. It's obviously very hungry.

Now I have a real problem. The trap is inside the fireplace, but closed.
The squirrel won't leave so that I can open the door and reset the trap.
The trap requires two hands to reset it, and I can't risk opening the door
far enough to get both hands inside. If I open the doors much at all, the
damn squirrel begins eating the fiber glass gasket material around the door.
It couldn't damage the stove when the doors were closed, but when I crack
the doors it can.

To make a long story short, eventually I use two long pieces of heavy wire
inserted in the small opening I can make by just opening the doors. One of
these lifts the locking wire that jams the cage door closed. The other
pushes down the lever to open the door, and then is inserted through the
cage mesh just far enough to hold the door open. I can't reset the trigger
mechanism, but I figure if the squirrel goes inside the cage, I can pull out
the wire and I have him. It takes nearly twenty minutes for the damn animal
to figure out that he has to go around to the one end of the cage to get
inside. In them meantime, I'm sticking additional peanut butter inside on
the open end of the cage with another piece of wire, but he's mostly trying
to get at the original bait through the cage sides. Finally, he goes in
through the open door. I pull out the wire and the door closes, on his
tail. I push down the locking wire to make sure he can't push open the cage
door, and then open the fireplace door. He's more interested in the peanut
butter until I start to pick up the cage, whereupon he yanks his tail the
rest of the way into the cage and spins around. Got the little *******!

I take him outside and release him. He runs off, very dirty, I presume
hungry, but otherwise none the worse for wear, considering he shared the
fireplace with a good blaze the night before. Probably has quite a tale
(tail?) to tell his buddies.

Today I noticed a squirrel hanging around the bird feeder with a large bare
spot on his back. Singed fur? I hope so. As soon as the ice is off the
roof, I'm putting a hardware cloth cap over the chimney flue.

--
Bob (Chief Pilot, White Knuckle Airways)